Defining Moments: Helping Kids See Beyond Their Mistakes

“Mistakes are not a reflection of who we are, but rather stepping stones on the path to understanding our true selves.”

One of the core principles I often emphasize in therapy is that each of us is doing the best we can with the resources we have at any given moment. I also firmly believe that there are no “bad” children—only good children who may be struggling to make choices that reflect their best selves.

Many of the children I work with are quick to label themselves based on a single mistake or behavior they view as "bad." Take, for example, a child who cheats on a math test and gets caught. Instead of seeing it as a one-off decision, they might begin to believe that this act of cheating defines who they are. Unfortunately, parents and teachers sometimes reinforce this by focusing on that one negative behavior, overlooking the many positive choices the child makes daily. While it’s crucial not to ignore poor behavior, it’s just as important to acknowledge a child’s strengths. We can—and should—hold both their mistakes and positive actions in the same hand. Yes, a child made a wrong choice, but that choice doesn’t define them. Instead, it offers a valuable opportunity for growth and learning.

Children who fixate on their mistakes often do so because the behavior doesn’t feel true to who they are. When I talk with kids about this, I remind them that it’s actually a good thing that it feels wrong—it means their core values and character don’t align with the poor choice. I then encourage them to reflect on their positive actions, achievements, and moments they feel proud of. This exercise helps them realize that while they can make mistakes, they are still good kids. Their poor choices don’t define them; they are simply bumps in the road that guide them toward making better decisions in the future.

No one, not even parents or teachers, is perfect. I often share with children that I, too, have made choices I regret. What matters is how we learn from those moments and choose to act in ways that align with our values moving forward. Getting stuck in negativity only holds us back from growth and can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of defining ourselves by our mistakes. It’s essential that children understand they are capable of so much more than their worst moments—they are worthy of the chance to grow and thrive beyond them.